


Hyper-Lust

by vinegardog



Category: Farscape
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-12-10 16:32:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinegardog/pseuds/vinegardog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John worries about D'Argo's infatuation with Olivia</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hyper-Lust

Set during Terra Firma

No major spoilers

Rated PG-13 for some mild bad language. 

Word count: 4497

Warning: this started as something totally different but just went its own way half way through. Proof yet again that I have no control over what comes out of my keyboard (or my brain) at any given time. It is a little shippy and a lot silly!

Characters are not mine. My heartfelt thanks to the geniuses who gave them to us.

Thanks to A Damned Scientist for the betaing!

Hyper-Lust (PG-13)

‘What a pathetic bastard you are!’ John mercilessly passed judgement on himself while rifling through Bobby’s room in Jack Crichton’s house. The indignity of a 30 odd year old uncle defiling the privacy and sanctity of his teenage nephew’s drawers and wardrobes stung like hell. And yet, here he was sticking his big nose through Bobby’s stuff like a truffle hog sniffing and digging for priceless subterranean fungi. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, he knew it was sad, but he just couldn’t stop himself, he had to find the tapes! The tapes with Aeryn, the ones he knew Bobby had filmed only 24 hours ago when he had gone along Christmas shopping with the aliens. 

It was widely known and indulgently smiled upon that Bobby had a puppy crush on the raven haired alien beauty… and could anybody frelling blame him? Whenever Aeryn was around, Bobby’s camcorder was firmly aimed in her direction, which made John a little jealous – yes, sad again, but true – and also a lot grateful because it meant that, if he finally managed to get his hands on the precious hidden away tapes, he could then spend a heavenly solitary couple of hours enjoying the sight of Aeryn Sun on Earth, talking to Bobby, interacting with his people, smiling at Olivia. Yes, he would be able to openly and avidly look at her without having to meet those pensive and hurt eyes with his own in person, without having to pretend that she didn’t make him desperately feel like grabbing her by the hand and running away with her like bats out of hell to South America or Australia or Antarctica – anywhere else but here - away from the prying, morbidly curious eyes of the media and most of all away from the Scorpius threat.

Bingo! Here they were, two of them, clearly marked “Xmas shopping” in Bobby’s still childish handwriting, carefully concealed under socks and boxer shorts. Two exquisite tapes full of her! John picked them up and, wilfully ignoring the uncomfortable feel of guilt and shame wriggling around in his stomach, he readjusted the dislodged items in the drawer in the hope of giving himself enough time to watch in peace before Bobby smelt a rat and sounded the alarm about the heinous theft. He then stealthily crossed the upstairs landing to the sanctuary of his own bedroom and the television set where the cassette player was also waiting for him and his prized loot, slot open wide and eager like a big hungry mouth waiting to be fed delicious, forbidden food.

John locked his bedroom door, inserted the tape labelled no 1 into the machine, sat back in his armchair and pressed the start button in eager anticipation. And there she was! Bobby had made sure to sit right opposite her in the limo taking the aliens to the commercial centre that had been made their own personal shopping paradise for the day. Aeryn had smiled a little shyly at Bobby, probably aware or at least suspicious that the young man had a soft spot for her. After all she had been subjected to the adoring Crichton puppy look often enough since meeting him three and a half years ago to be able to recognise what that hearts-filled-gaze meant by now even if coming from a much younger version of himself, John wryly thought.

The ride in the limo had been way too short, the close ups of her not enough to sate John’s hunger for her beautiful face, then in a blur of unfocused images the shopping party had exited the car and entered the mall. Divine takes of Aeryn’s long legs and behind clad in tight jeans had followed – in the confusion Bobby had got away with murder and kept the camera resolutely focused on his main areas of interest. ‘The horny little toad knows exactly what he likes!’ John thought, chuckling to himself and, like Bobby, immensely enjoying the view.

The next hour of on and off filming showed how the aliens’ chaperone for the day, his sister Olivia, had taken the motley group to various shops, to the amusement arcade and, when Rygel’s moaning had become too hard to ignore, to the food court where the Hynerian had made a veritable pig of himself and Noranti had sampled every single American fast-food delicacy on display indiscriminately mixing and matching sweet and savoury. Then after even the three-stomached-menace had pronounced himself full and satisfied, Olivia had escorted Chiana and Aeryn to a lingerie shop with instructions to stock up on anything they wanted – sweet Jesus, Aeryn in a lingerie shop! John squirmed in his chair at the images that were suddenly brought forth in his mind - while Livvy herself had remained outside with the others. 

Bobby had valiantly attempted to follow the two babes onto the premises but, by the looks of the wobbly camera shots that ensued, he had been literally pulled back by his shirt collar and no amount of pleading to his aunt Olivia had earned him the freedom to enter the legendary El Dorado of his fantasies.

Thwarted in his attempts, Bobby had been about to put away his camcorder in a huffy fit, when D’Argo, trying to look casual but looking decidedly furtive instead, had approached him, dragged him aside and conspiratorially asked him if the recording machine was off. To which Bobby had barefacedly lied and answered yes.

In the fervent hope to get a glimpse or even just a hint of the nature of Aeryn’s sexy purchases, John had been about to fast-forward to the next frame of her, but the Luxan’s strange demeanour and failed attempt at nonchalance in getting Bobby aside and away from the others, had made him somehow stop, curiosity prevailing for the moment over lustful love. John continued running the tape at normal speed. Intrigued, he sat forward in his chair, elbows on knees, to listen to the conversation that had taken place between his alien friend and his nephew. The audio was crystal clear even though the images were kind of crooked and a little unfocused since Bobby had been pretending not to be filming. 

“Um, so Bobby, I was wondering… uh … how well do you know human customs, when… you know… when it comes to females?” D’Argo had whispered his question while rolling awkwardly back and forth on the balls of his feet and darting quick glances around making sure yet again that all the others were out of earshot.

“Customs about females? Ahem, I am not sure what you mean… what women like and want? Is that what you want to know about?” Bobby had loudly asked in a puzzled tone before being frantically shushed by D’Argo.

“Shhhhhh, Bobby, no need to shout!” D’Argo’s gloved hand had shot up to his face, two fingers extended in front of his lips, while he pled for a lowered tone of voice. “Yes, yes! What they want but mainly what a guy, you know, like you or… or… me… mmm… would have to do to catch their attention and properly execute courtship rituals without embarrassing oneself.”

“Courtship rituals?” Bobby had complied in lowering his voice down to a whisper but had sounded even more baffled than before until D’Argo’s meaning had suddenly hit home with him. “You mean, you fancy a girl and you want to ask her out, is that it?” He had asked in an amused tone of voice.

Bobby was off screen but John could imagine the impish smile a la Crichton that had probably illuminated his face at that moment.

D’Argo had just looked wretchedly embarrassed but, at this point, the drannit had been let out of the bag, so in a manly fashion he had straightened his shoulders and with as much dignity as he could muster he had replied:

“Yes, I do. But I need advice and I thought you might be able to help me with it. I am new to the ways of your people.”

“Em, D’Argo, you know I am only 13, right? I have never really had a girlfriend before… there is this girl I kinda like but I’m not sure I even have the whiff of a chance with her…” Bobby had sounded crestfallen for a moment but, good helpful boy that he was, he had shaken himself out of it and continued: “Maybe you should ask my uncle John. I heard my mom say that he had lots of girlfriends before he disappeared into space. He’ll know how you can win her over… who is it anyway?” Then, obviously, a sudden doubt had entered his mind because he had asked. “It’s not Aeryn, is it?” The idea that the big warrior might be a possible rival for Aeryn’s affections had made his voice quaver a little. Then before he could receive an answer he had put his own fears to rest: “No, of course it’s not. I am an idiot! You said she is human, Aeryn is not human! So who is it then?”

D’Argo had looked utterly confused at the avalanche of information and questions Bobby had just unleashed but his dilemma remained unsolved, so he had persevered in this extremely uncomfortable conversation. 

“You never had a girlfriend and you are 13 cycles old? I was seven the first time I… um…” D’Argo had hesitated probably realising that this might be an inappropriate conversational subject with a youngling of this species, and after a microt he had lamely concluded: “Human males are quite obviously slow developers, I recall John saying he was 16 cycles old his first time. I just assumed he was particularly retarded in that department… but it would seem to be a trait common to all males on this planet.”

“What department?”

“Never mind! And no, I… I… I am not going to ask John for advice on how to proceed with my courtship.”

“Why not?” Bobby had sounded confused again.

“Ahem, I have my reasons. Can you help me out or not?” Impatience had started seeping through both D’Argo’s tone and general deportment. 

John was now carefully following every single word exchanged. He didn’t like this at all. Why the hell would D’Argo not want to ask him for advice about a woman, a human one at that? Nope, he didn’t like it at all. Not even a little bit. 

“Well, in movies the men usually buy flowers and boxes of chocolates before asking out the girls they like… that might be a good start! But who is the girl? And does she like you?” Bobby, oblivious to D’Argo’s edginess, had continued with his questioning.

“I am not telling you her name… and, I think… no! I am pretty sure that she likes me!” Then apparently more to convince himself than Bobby, D’Argo had continued: “ Luxans have a very powerful sense of smell – far superior to your puny one - and I have most definitely detected a heightened emission of chemical particles from this woman every time I am around. She discharges a sweet, flowery scent which is a clear sign of her obvious arousal … oh, you should smell it! It would drive even a Delvian Pau of the 12th level into a frenzy!”

“Arousal? What does that mean? And when you say frenzy… what do you mean? And what’s a Delvian Poo?”

“Would you PLEASE stop asking questions? You are like your uncle when he first arrived on Moya! He never knew how to SHUT THE FRELL UP!” D’Argo’s booming yelling had echoed in the empty mall’s hallway like a gunshot, all attempts at private conversation forgotten in the surge of passion and exasperation so typical of his species.

“Is everything alright, boys?” Olivia, startled by the irate tones of the fierce-looking Luxan, had approached them from where she was standing talking with Noranti and Rygel - a hesitant, uncertain smile on her lips. 

“Um, yes, um, I am sorry, Olivia, I… I… did not mean to startle you! Mmm, please forgive my… my… impetuousness. I can be quite fervent but my bite is far worse than my bark!” D’Argo had spluttered and stuttered and got John’s saying all mixed up before further bleating: “ … em…um… ha… everything is perfectly fine. Tell her Bobby!” 

“Yes, auntie Livvy, everything’s alright. It was completely my fault, I was being an annoying ass, sorry!” Bobby had stoically covered for D’Argo, then after Olivia had left them alone again saying she would go check up on how the girls were getting on with their purchases, Bobby had excitedly shouted sotto-voce: “It’s my auntie Olivia! It is, isn’t it? I know it is! You were all rattled and bothered and acting stupid when she came over! #D’Argo and Livvy sitting in a tree…#” Bobby had started to intone unaware that he was about a microt away from being tongued into silence by a harassed and mortified D’Argo.

“I was not rattled! And we are in a commercial establishment, not sitting in a tree… and why the hezmana are you singing? Stop that immedia...” 

John paused the tape mid-sentence. He could not believe his frelling eyes and ears. Bobby was right! It was Olivia D’Argo was after! It was as clear as daylight! The Luxan had turned into a pathetic puddle of jelly talking to her! 

John had not even realised he had gotten up, but he was now standing staring at the paused image, fists clenched at his sides, ready to punch a hole in the wall or throw a heavy object through the window. 

His little sister! No frelling way he would let D’Argo near her! Oooh no! The mental image of D’Argo and Chiana lustily cavorting under – or more exactly over – the sheets was forever imprinted in his mind from the couple of times he had accidentally walked in on them. He could not even conceive his little sister Livvy in Chiana’s place! La la la la! No, no way! His sister did not have sex, not in his mind anyway, nope, he wasn’t even going to go there! And what kinda scent was D’Argo talking about? His sister did not exude any special scent, no frelling way, she smelled perfectly normal! Luxans and their special noses, his ass! Sweet and flowery… of all the stupid things he had ever heard! 

Maybe Noranti had somehow drugged D’Argo or, worse, given Liv some love potion to attract tall, lustful warriors! He wouldn’t put it beyond the old witch to do such a perverse thing just for the fun of it!

Anyway, he didn’t care how this infatuation had come about but, may God be his witness, he would tear D’Argo apart tenka by tenka if he dared touch Livvy. He would peel those proud tattoos off his body one by one and wear them as badges of honour like a Pawnee would a bunch of scalps on his belt! 

Realising his head was about to explode, John quickly reached into his pocket for a lakka bulb, for once not to forget Aeryn but to calm himself down. The drug slowly worked its magic and John mellowed and relaxed enough to stop seeing red, sit back down and really think about things. 

There had to be an explanation. 

Hell, he had seen enough weird going-ons in the last three and a half years to know that sometimes the most improbable reasons lay behind puzzling behaviours. D’Argo was not that kind of guy. They had been through too much together, there was no way he would risk upsetting him, John, his shipmate and best friend for just a trivial flirtation heading nowhere. The Luxan was a warrior, a man of honour, he would never play fast and loose with his sister, no, not without being lured or magicked into it by something beyond his control. D’Argo knew as well as John did that there was no future there, that sooner rather than later Moya would leave Earth’s orbit and that he would probably never see Liv again.

Then, suddenly, a thought struck him! Could it be something as simple as… nah! ... but could it? Could this be a straightforward Occam’s Razor case? The scientist in him told John that, yes, in this case the simplest answer was probably the correct one. But like all scientists he would not be satisfied until his theory was tested and he was proved correct beyond reasonable doubt. If the reason behind D’Argo’s behaviour was truly what he thought it was, well then, it would be easy enough to verify!

Relieved and energised by the sudden belief that his friend was indeed being compelled by invisible forces beyond his control into his attraction to Olivia, John quickly decided to take action and solve this crazy situation before it spun out of control. 

First of all he gave Olivia a quick call on her cell. Having found out what he needed to know from her, he hopped into the government car assigned to him and asked the driver to make a quick stop at the closest Walmart on the way to their final destination - the villa where the aliens had been accommodated.

Once he got there, John headed straight for the sitting room but the only occupant of it was Rygel, intent on watching TV and eating delicious earth food. 

“What do you want, Crichton?”

“Ryg, I’m looking for D, is he around?”

“No, he left a couple of arns ago muttering some dren about having to go acquire something very important … I don’t know, I wasn’t listening and he was mumbling horribly. In truth, I have never been less interested in anything in my life!” Rygel smiled a satisfied little snide smile at his own spiteful words.

“Fine, Sparky, I will wait for him in his room… just, please, do me a favour? When he comes back, don’t tell him I’m here, alright?”

“Yes, yes, whatever, Crichton.” Rygel waved his hand in dismissal, his interest gravitating back to the delicious Christmas human shaped cookies he had been busy demolishing before John’s arrival. He didn’t know the name of it nor had he any interest in learning it, but gingerbread was fast becoming his favourite thing… until he tasted the next delicious one anyhow.

John left him to it and ran up the stairs towards the bedrooms. 

Uncannily his feet, as if driven by a will of their own, made him slow and hesitate momentarily outside Aeryn’s bedroom door, however with a super-human effort he steeled himself into turning his mind back to the task at hand, managed to continue on down the corridor and entered D’Argo’s room. 

After making the appropriate preparations, John finally sat down patiently waiting for the Luxan’s return.

He didn’t have to wait too long. About half an hour later he heard the front door open and D’Argo’s low rumbling voice say something, presumably to Rygel, then he heard the creaking of the wooden steps under the Luxan’s weight and finally he saw the door handle flex down and the door open inwards. 

D’Argo quickly stepped in, closed the door behind him and leaned heavily against it exhaling a long sigh of relief. John noticed with mixed amusement and annoyance that he was holding a large heart shaped box of candy in his left hand while a colourful bunch of assorted flowers poked its head from where it lay wedged under his right arm. 

John stayed quiet, unnoticed, as he sat still in the dim light of the shaded room. After a moment, as he had hoped it might happen, he saw D’Argo straighten up, lift his head up in the air and take a long, deep sniff. His nostrils flared and a low, uncertain moan left his lips.

“D’ya like the smell, big guy?” John suddenly broke the silence causing the Luxan to start, yelp and drop the box of candy with a ‘thunk’ onto the floor.

“What the Hezmana! What the frell are you trying to do, John? You almost made my hearts stop!” D’Argo exclaimed, still too startled to feel embarrassment for the yelp that had just squeaked out of him. 

Then, as more of the fragrance he had first sensed assaulted his nostrils, his eyes searched eagerly around the room. 

“Where is she?”

“Where is who, D?” John slowly got up and approached his friend.

“You know who! The woman who uniquely exudes this confounding and heady smell! Where is Olivia?”

“She ain’t here, bro!” John slapped D’Argo’s shoulder in a friendly and relieved gesture, now that the mystery had truly been solved.

“She must be! This odour… it’s just … just… you have no idea John! Where is the goddess who possesses it?” 

John could not believe his eyes – D’Argo looked positively doe-eyed as he struggled to find words to suitably express the hormonal battle raging in his stirred up body. Who knew that Luxans could look doe-eyed? John mused. Or was it just D’Argo who was capable of it? John was not keen to find out, one way or another, the sight of it was positively disturbing!

When D’Argo finally realised that John had been telling the truth and that Olivia was nowhere near, his eyes shifted to John, his nose took another sniff and his lips parted in an uncertain smile.

“John, your scent…” he dreamily whispered and, as if propelled by an invisible force, he lifted the bunch of flowers and proffered it to John with the chilling words: “Would you do me the honour of accepting this small token of my affection?” Then almost blushing: “Have I ever told you that the blue of your eyes reminds me of a midsummer sky on Luxa?”

John almost burst out laughing but just about managed to keep a straight face. He knew D’Argo could not help what he was feeling – so, instead, he clicked his fingers under his nose before shouting: “Yo! D’Argo! It’s me, John! Snap out of it, man!”

In fairness to him, D’Argo tried hard to fight it; he shook his head in an attempt to clear it then in an almost hysterical, high pitched tone of voice he screamed: “I am CONFUSED! What is happening to me, John? I need HELP!”

John headed for the window, opened it to let the breeze come in and clear the room out before turning to his friend and explaining: “Vanilla, man! What you smell is vanilla perfume! Nothing more, nothing less! I sprayed it all over myself and all over the room before you came in…”

“But Olivia…”

“Olivia, nothing D! Liv wears a perfume called Vanilla Fields. What you smell is not her natural scent; it is store bought and quite cheap at that!”

“Vanilla, you say…” With the room now aired, D’Argo’s colouring was slowly returning to normal and his lust induced dizziness and confusion seemed finally to be lifting.

“Yes, D, vanilla! When your superduper Snuffles nose picks it up, you go into hyper-lust, my friend!” John explained. “It ain’t Livvy and it sure ain’t me that makes your hormones go into starburst!”

A hesitant smile of relief started to surface on D’Argo’s face as John continued to explain:  
“Vanilla is used in perfumes because it’s meant to be a natural aphrodisiac. In the past it was even prescribed by doctors to male patients for… you know… to ensure their potency. Its smell is meant to make men go euphoric and put them in a… sensual mood. That’s what happened to you, D! I will tell Liv you are allergic to it and ask her to stop wearing it and, abracadabra, all your problems’ll be solved!” 

“Yet you and Bobby and the bodyguards don’t seem to be affected by it, why… why only me?”   
D’Argo somehow perceived the situation as a personal weakness and he didn’t like it, not in the very least.

“I dunno, D. Human males have less of a nose for it, I guess. Or maybe over the centuries we have become inured to it… while you, being new to its powers, have no inbuilt resistance to it… whatever the reason, from now on we are gonna make sure you stay well away from anything vanilla and we are gonna keep mum about it too, alright? I can just see the marketing wolves jumping all over this – Calvin Klein’s next slogan will be ‘between Luxan love and madness lies vanilla obsession’ or some crap along those lines!” 

D’Argo nodded in eager agreement.

_______

Four days later, John hurriedly entered his father’s house making sure to sneak in through the garage door straight into the kitchen rather than walk through the front door. Once again TV interviews, other press engagements as well as lab tests with DK and Laura meant he was running late… majorly, horribly late. Today the aliens had been invited to his father’s house for a pre-Christmas celebration with lots of food and libations… and he was pretty sure he had managed to frelling miss it. Olivia would be mad at him after all her efforts in putting the shindig together for his friends, Jack would be disappointed at his apparent indifference, Aeryn would be quiet and withdrawn and would sport that vaguely hurt look that made him ache… and as usual he would feel wretchedly guilty about it all. 

Bobby, head stuck in the fridge in search of a soda, was the only person in the kitchen when John slipped in.

“Pssstt, hey, Bobby!” John whispered trying to attract his attention and succeeding.

“Hey, Uncle John!”

“Is the dinner over yet?” John asked pretty much already knowing the answer to his question. 

“Yep. All the food is gone, Rygel really went to town! You should have seen him plunge into the turkey and all the fixings, it was like looking at a…”

“Yeah, yeah! I have seen Rygel eat, Bobby… not a pretty sight!”

“Well if you are hungry, you’d better hurry up and see if D’Argo managed to keep Rygel away from the pie… they almost came to fisticuffs over it. But D’Argo snarled so loud, Rygel had to give it up. Last I saw of it, D’Argo had eaten more than half of it! Your friends are really weird, Uncle John….”

“Yep, they are… I’m not hungry anyway, Bobby, but thanks!” John, squeezed sideways beside Bobby in front of the fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer, popped the cap and took a nice long swig out of it.

“Oh well, your loss! The cake looks delicious, all white and fluffy… and it smells even better than it looks. I’m gonna see if I can get a slice of it... although D’Argo seemed pretty set on keeping it all to himself!”

Suddenly John froze. He lowered the bottle of beer half way down and with barely concealed trepidation in his voice asked: “Bobby, what flavour was this cake you’re talking about?”

“Vanilla, Uncle John, vanilla and cream!” Bobby replied, then headed back to the sitting room with his can of soda on the hunt for a slice of pie, which meant he never heard John’s portentous aside:

“Dear Lord, lock up the women an’ hide the fried chicken!”

The end


End file.
